


(don’t) say i love you

by youwerehere



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, I Will Go Down With This Ship, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I love them so much, M/M, Mentions of OCD, Self-Esteem Issues, a self call out, commitment issues, it made me sad, it wasn’t meant to be sad, kinda poetic i guess, some fluff I guess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-17
Updated: 2021-01-17
Packaged: 2021-03-15 02:07:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,620
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28805550
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/youwerehere/pseuds/youwerehere
Summary: A story where Miya Atsumu confesses to Sakusa Kiyoomi. Except Sakusa has commitment issues and doesn’t believe in love.
Relationships: Miya Atsumu/Sakusa Kiyoomi
Comments: 4
Kudos: 35





	(don’t) say i love you

**Author's Note:**

> hello! this is my first story so i’d really appreciate some feedback and comments! also... i made a spotify playlist to go along with this fic which is also creatively called (don’t) say i love you. make sure to check it out! i hope you enjoy reading (:  
> ps. sorry if their are any gramatical errors i wrote this at 2 am.

“I’m so sorry Kiyoomi...”

“Don’t you dare Miya, don’t.”

“I- I love you.”

Love is scary. The feeling is so similar to fear, that maybe fear is love itself. We may try to repress our feelings, we may go to great lengths to forget about them. But you can never run away from something that will always be apart of you.

Standing outside in the rain, Sakusa did want to runaway. He knew what he felt towards Atsumu, but was too afraid to admit it. It was too soon, too sudden. Sakusa couldn’t handle change. He had always been stuck in his routines, every day was the same and he was ok with that. Until Atsumu came along.

His routines felt meaningless, the only time that mattered to him was time spent with an annoying blonde that he had somehow developed feelings for. His days were no longer black and white, but filled with the most vibrant of colours that were Miya Atsumu.

Sakusa had never felt this way before, he was terrified. How could he ever except, let alone act on these feelings knowing how much pain they would bring. Love wasn’t real. Not to Sakusa. People just enjoyed the feeling of not being alone. But deep down everyone would always be alone. At the end of the day the only person you can trust, understand, and rely on is yourself. Love was nothing but another word for lonely. Love was a mask.

So why did Sakusa’s heart beat faster, why did his stomach fill with butterflies, why did he feel like love could be real? Why was there a boy standing in front of him in the pouring rain telling him that he loved him? He knew he could never be loved, he had accepted it. So why did the words coming out of Atsumu’s mouth sound so true. Why did they sound so real?

Sakusa had fretted hearing those three words his whole life. He would never be able to love anyone. He was mean, selfish and cold. His heart could barely love itself, he simple didn’t have enough to share with another person. He was ok with that, he really was... until he wasn’t. 

So many nights he laid by himself under the company of the stars. Under that night sky he hoped that maybe someone would come along and lay under the stars with him. But no one ever did. And if the stars could talk, they’d cry.

Sakusa knew he was different, he knew he was weird. He hated himself for it. He never wanted to be the way he was, he would give up anything to just be normal. Except he wasn’t, and nothing could ever change that. Nothing could change the fact that he had to wash his hands 7 times before leaving his apartment and then wash them 7 times when he got back. Nothing could the fact that he hated germs and that he hated people just as much. Nothing could change Sakusa. He knew he was difficult, he gets that. And because of that he knew he could never be loved.

So when those three words passed through his ears from the person he had been trying to forget about for so long, he cried.

In the middle of the street Sakusa wept for the first time in years. He created a storm of his own to match the one in the sky. His emotions coming completely undone, sadness, pain, fear, anger, and amidst it all in the eye of the storm was nothing other than love. The emotion he had pegged for nothing more than an urban legend, the feeling he had tucked away for so long. Love was seeping from all of the cracks in the walls he had worked so hard to build. And with that flood, they all came crashing down.

A pair of bright eyes shone in the darkness, “Kiyoomi I love you, I’ve loved you for so long and I’m so sorry it’s taken me this long to tell you but- but I was scared. I was absolutely petrified. Because how could we ever love each other? How was I able to love you this much? I had no idea and it terrified me, the whole idea of love terrifies me Omi... but I think it’s about time I overcome my fear,” Atsumu wrapped his soaked arms around Sakusa. And for the first time in his life, Sakusa allowed it. He sunk his head into Atsumu’s neck and cried even more.

Alone in the street the two cried along with the rain. Even though they should have been freezing cold, somehow Atsumu was able to make Sakusa feel warm. Atsumu made Sakusa feel.

Letting into this was the easiest thing that Sakusa had ever done. But it was also the hardest. How could he just abandon everything. How could love suddenly become so real, so present? It couldn’t, it was impossible. “Mi- Atsumu... I can’t love you.”

“You can deny it all you want Omi, but I know you already do. You know it too don’t you?”

Sakusa pulled away, making sure to keep ahold of Atsumu’s hands. 

“I- I do but... it’s all too real. I don’t know how to love, I’ve never felt this way before and I don’t know what to do,” His hands squeezed the pair he was holding even tighter as he began to crumble.

“Then I can teach ya.”

He looked up, “What?”

“Let me teach you how to love.”

“No you don’t understand I-“

“You’re right Omi, I don’t understand. The only thing I understand is that I want you. So bad. And I know that deep down you want me too, so can’t we just let this happen?”

Sakusa pulled away. This was dangerous. Everything about Miya Atsumu screamed danger. How could he just put his feelings so out in the open. How could he accept those feelings in the first place. Sakusa wanted to listen to him, he wanted to just let it happen. But he couldn’t. Because he knew someday Atsumu would get sick of him. He knew one day Atsumu would leave him and that he would be even more alone than before. He knew that he could never go back to being ok with being alone because he knew what it was like to be loved. Sakusa didn’t want to feel the inevitable heartbreak that came side by side with a relationship. But he wanted Atsumu.

“What if one day you wake up and you don’t love me anymore?”

“I could never not love you Kiyoomi.”

“You say that now, but how can I be sure? What if we go through all of this just to break each other’s hearts? You can’t love me forever.”

“Kiyoomi. Look at me,” Atsumu grabbed his face and cupped it perfectly into his hands.

“I will love you in this life, even more then I loved you in our past lives. And in our next life I will find you again and love you even more. So yes, I can and I will love you forever. So just let me,” His eyes were pleading, begging, “Please.”

Sakusa couldn’t think anymore. The only thing he could think about was the boy in front of him telling him that he would love him for all of eternity.

“Do you promise?”

“Pinky promise,” They tied their smallest fingers together. A silly childhood habit that made them both laugh a little.

“I love you Atsumu,”

To the moon and never back.

Sakusa smiled and for the first time in his life he did something spontaneous. He leaned forward and pressed his lips against Atsumu’s. It was messy, it was cold, and partially disgusting in his opinion, but he loved it. He could feel the stars smiling above him. 

In a complete haze Atsumu spoke, “You know Omi, I’m like really happy right now.”

“Yeah me too.”

“But I’m also freezing.”

“Yeah me too.”

“Let’s go inside?”

“Yeah.”

Smiling more then he had in his entire life, Sakusa walked hand in hand with Atsumu up to his apartment. He didn’t care that the floors would get wet, he didn’t care that mud would get inside. Because loving Atsumu was messy, and he was ok with that.

Finally warm and inside the two were sitting side by side on the couch watching the embers burn in the fireplace, “So why did ya say to the moon and never back when we were outside? Wouldn’t you want to come back Omi?”

“You heard that?”

“Sure did!” A smile grew on his face.

“Well in that case you’re wrong because I wouldn’t want to come back.” Sakusa said very matter-of-factly.

“Now I’m curious,” He rested his head on Sakusa’s shoulder, “Why not?”

Sakusa wrapped the blanket around them even tighter as he spoke sounding a bit more serious, “Because I don’t want our love to be confined to this earth. I want our love to live among the stars and the constellations. I want our love to burn brighter than the sun itself. I want our love to be infinite.”

Atsumu smiled sweetly, “Me too.”

The two laughed at how silly they sounded. But never in his life did Sakusa think he’d speak those words. Never in his life did he ever think he’d be able to love and be loved. But here he was in the arms of the one who had promised to love him forever, watching as the sky outside cleared and the rain stopped. Holding each other even tighter as the full moon appeared from behind the clouds on a cold October night.

“The moon is beautiful isn’t it?”

**Author's Note:**

> thank you so much for reading (even though it was really short.) i had a lot of fun writing this especially since i relate to Sakusa so much haha anyways i hope you enjoyed this story and the playlist! (:


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